time

There has been this pervasive thread of discussion throughout my life: time. My relationship to it, how my relationship to it affects others who weave in and out of my life, and it seems to be a popular subject no matter the season of my life. I called it pervasive because it usually comes up for others who observe me in my life and think poorly of the way I interact with it. I don’t go slow as a matter of course. There have been many times in my life that I fit the cliche about fools rushing in. As I grow into advanced age I feel that there are not so many times now that I jump based on feelings and intuition, at least compared to how I used to be. Someone looking at me now that doesn’t know me would probably think, “holy sh*t, if this is even half as much as she used to jump in then I cannot imagine what her life used to look like.” Ha.

Time is a funny beast. Sort of reminds me of grief in a lot of ways. Time has a sort of ever-changing nature a lot like grief. Certain moments can feel overwhelming and like they are going so so fast and you wonder what happened to those past three hours and then in other cases it feels like it doesn’t move even when you will it to.

Lately I have been enjoying the quickly changing nature of my life. I have said for several years now that you know you are an operating room nurse when two minutes feels like an hour. And maybe that is one of the reasons I was initially attracted to the OR- time is very much on purpose. It matters that things move as quickly as possible. As much as perhaps I have a natural affinity for moving quickly, the OR has also influenced and reinforced my continued development of this particular personality trait.

And it drives some people nuts.

Seriously, it was one of the reasons I knew deep down, before I committed to the decision, finally, that Grant and I weren’t going to make it. No matter how hard we tried. No matter how much work we put into our romantic relationship. I move too fast. I just do. It is a deeply ingrained part of my personality and because it is reinforced in my career it is a super strong piece of who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of times that it is important to slow down enough to see the details. Like just now, I sent a text meant for the man I am dating to Grant by accident. Oops. But those little mistakes because I am not going slow enough are so much better made in my personal life than at work when a little mistake like that could mean a truly life-altering mistake. Like wrong procedure or wrong medication. So I take it as it comes and try to learn, always.

Since I made what seemed like a fast and furious decision (it was actually a decision that I had been struggling with for weeks) to stop trying to make my romantic relationship with Grant work I have seen so much growth in myself! I have been focused on caring consistently and deeply for my body by running regularly. I have been finding myself in a sort of “do it and get it done” mode. I haven’t been one for sitting and writing and it has been difficult to maintain my Bible reading daily because I simply feel the need to do! I feel all action right now. I have been funneling that energy into taking much better care of not just my body, but my kids and my home. I have been decluttering and reorganizing my space. I have been making it make sense for who I am today, not who I was four years ago when I moved into this space.

I have also been funneling that energy into dating. Some would say it is much too soon to be dating again. But I move at the speed of life. And when my brain finally completely acknowledged what my heart and soul had known for years, people, years, I felt an amazing finality to what had come before. I feel like I worked through all of the big important issues about me in relationships and had come out on the other side with the understanding that I needed to be cognizant of my attachment style and also the attachment style of those that I choose to date. Truly I felt ready to start dating again right away. Oh, and I am not getting any younger, honey!!

I had some really great conversations with lots of men right off the bat, thank you FB dating. I had probably a dozen conversations going for a short time. One by one they all weeded themselves out. Some went way too fast wanting to meet me after introducing themselves, and some going way too slow. I felt like Goldilocks! Somehow out of that chaos I met someone really special. Our initial connection was super fun. He made me laugh. And then we would alternate between super fun conversation and pepper it with super serious conversation. He thinks about the same stuff I do, he doesn’t like sports for similar reasons (what?! come again?), he cares about his physical health, and he has an amazing vision he brings to life through art.

We met last Monday. It was truly magical for me. I sent him flowers the next day! I have never done anything like that before. I find myself doing lots of things I have never done before with him. They are all good things. I catch myself wondering if this is what a healthy relationship feels like. Throughout all of this acknowledged super fast development I have kept myself grounded by maintaining my self-care and also staying focused on secure attachment. He boosts me in ways that I didn’t really understand I needed, or perhaps I understood I needed, but stuffed it down because I was convinced it was never going to happen for me. He makes me feel sexy, desirable, heard, and comfortable. It is early yet, but so far he is able to tolerate the big, scary, immense impossibility of my grief.

So, why do I write about this? This thing that is happening for me romantically ties right into time. This pervasive thread that runs through my life. I want to LIVE! I want to make the most of the time I have. Right now, especially now, I feel strongly that the time I am putting into this spark of a romance is time well spent. I am learning so much about myself and about what it means to be in a healthy partnership. The future is unknown. I fully understand, and accept, that it could be next week that I am writing about how this spark of a romantic relationship has already burned itself out. But for right now, while the ember is still hot and I see flames starting to take hold I am going to enjoy it. I am going to nurture it and show my gratitude through transparent communication and a commitment to my own health. One other thing that I have made a commitment to do differently this time is be mindful of my attachment style and mindful of his. Secure attachment can happen even for those of us who have been anxious or avoidant in past relationships, if you can keep perspective and awareness of your emotional responses.

Time. I am doing my damndest to make the most of what time I have. Tricky at times considering my experience as a bereaved mama and suicide loss survivor. It would have been tricky enough as a recovering addict and abused wife. Tragedy and beauty, loss and joy can co-exist. That is what the past nearly five years have taught me. Oscar’s memory glows inside me. He is a driving force for all that I am, all that I do, and all that I will become. I feel his blessing on me.