waking up

My dreams last night were a little strange. I drank a mug of chai tea at like 1900 to boost me through a Reiki treatment and massage that I gave to my new love interest. It was a successful treatment because sleepy time came for him swiftly! I adore providing healing touch to people, especially love interests. I feel like that is my one sort of super power that I have to offer, I just haven’t found the right man to accept my talents and want to make them a permanent part of his life. I have hope for this one. I have hope for all of them, who I am kidding? I try to give my all every time. Well, as much of my all as I have left after having my heart shattered into at least a million pieces.

Anyway, back to my dreams. I ended up home sooner than I thought I would last night and slightly amped on chai tea and the success of my Reiki and massage treatments. So I decided to write in my journal for awhile and then I blogged for the first time in forever and actually published it. I’ve been doing this thing a lot lately where I write but then I get worried about who might read it and that I might shock or hurt feelings or cause political turmoil at work or whatever and I’m over it. Blogging is so helpful for me. So I’m just gonna do it. As I sailed into sleep last night it was one of those into sleep transitions where I felt myself soaring above for a good long while. I was relaxed and ready to sleep, it’s just the chai tea had me more aware than I would be normally. The dreams that I remember were with my new love interest at his home. This is the strange part: there was a dead body in one of the bedrooms, like someone had died that we all expected to die, like they had been on hospice or something, and he hadn’t called the hospice people yet because he wasn’t ready to. He was waiting for someone who wanted to say goodbye privately. And then my mom came into the picture to bathe the body. Why I wasn’t involved in this I have no idea since I am a registered nurse and have bathed my fair share of dead bodies. I did, however, make the suggestion to add clove essential oil to the bath to help with the smell. My love interest and my mom agreed that was a good idea. My love interest even said that was something that used to be done before modern day chemical embalming… whether or not that is true I have no idea… this was a dream!

Analyzing a dream like this is so interesting. Obviously, my subconscious is sifting through some shit. The smell of a dead body. That was the main concern. Not let’s get the person we are waiting for here sooner than later so we can call the hospice people and the funeral home. The smell is a big part of my trauma with Nick’s death. He wasn’t found until days after he died. The neighbors called a wellness check to the local authorities because of the smell coming from his place. My heart absolutely crushes in on itself every time I think about that. This is definitely something I haven’t worked through completely. I just put it in a box and tucked it away. Time to get it out and work it through. I dreamt about Nick the night of September 11, 2018, which was death day number 3 and what we suspect is the day that Nick died that year. He was found on the Sunday after that, which I think was the 16th. He left a note with my name and contact information on it. I hadn’t attempted to get in touch with him for months except through the court because of how he had behaved the last time he had Pierce and Ryan over, which was Father’s Day weekend that year. He had started drinking again and being very emotionally and verbally abusive. Ryan had called me crying because he was so scared. Pierce had taken over Oscar’s old role of attempting to be the mediator between drunk and unreasonably angry Nick and the younger kids, kid in this case. That’s when I decided to take action and file for a safety focused parenting plan. Nick texted me once around the Fourth of July to ask to have the kids, and I texted back that any arrangements to see the kids needed to go through my lawyer. He never took it further. All I ever heard from him again was that he wanted to push the court date out to October so he had more time to find and pay for a lawyer.

My heart really hurts for how completely fractured our relationship became. When we started out together I was so young and he was so experienced (or maybe traumatized?) and pretending (?) to have hope and see the possibility for joy. Nick never really talked about what had happened to him and his family. His brother Jimmy had been murdered and his favorite sister, LouAnn, had died of suicide a number of years after that. Not to mention whatever happened when he was growing up in a too small house for 7 kids and 2 parents who sort of got along, but not really. He used to say the 7 kids came from Catholic guilt and not love. He would make it a joke. He made lots of things jokes. I think that was his main coping mechanism besides drinking and smoking pot. All of his unprocessed and unresolved feelings surrounding the trauma he had been through came out in all sorts of negative and destructive ways. That is what happens to people when they don’t work through to the bottom.

Now I’m working through to the bottom with Nick. His death has been so hard to process. I think because we were estranged when he died, but also because I have such a deep and profound love for him, still. He is around all the time. I feel him more than I feel Oscar. He always has something to say and he is in my dreams all the time! Maybe the dream I had last night is Nick. And the one they are waiting for is me. I haven’t said proper goodbyes. I hold a piece of him in my mind that is when we first met. I was so enamored by his charm and his brilliant mind. I’ve never met a man like Nick. It was so easy for us to fall in love. Looking back on old pictures on Oscar’s birthday I realized how hard we tried. I’m not sure what went wrong. I guess the active addiction is really what came between us. Neither one of us could relate to the other because we were never in our right minds if we could help it. I remember how he used to hold my hand. And the way that he would look at me. His goofy grin. And the sex was great. We had an excellent time in bed. It’s honestly one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. It was really hard to let that go. And to learn to live without it has been so tough!!

Nick would make xmess a fun and joyful holiday. He’d always make it special. I don’t have that kind of talent or desire since my people have died. This year my mom and Ryan decorated together, thank God. I genuinely hate all of it. It takes so much emotional energy. I feel like I dip into my already drained reserve tanks every year since Oscar died and especially so since Nick has died.

What am I to do with this dream? I don’t want Nick to go. Maybe it is time, though, whether I want it to be or not. I have to let go to let a new man in. It’s that simple. Simple; not easy.

cocoon

Over the past several months I have written and then not published. Because I was worried about work politics or hurting someone’s feelings or some other such similar reason. At the beginning of September I went into what feels like a cocoon. I have been avoiding all social media and focusing on me, the now, my kids, my home, my work. I thought it would be just September that I avoided social media, and, in fact, for the entire month of September I was completely and totally absent from social media. It felt so good I didn’t check it out again until late October. I don’t think I’ve had any personal posts, except to thank people for the birthday wishes, which was hilarious because people responded as if my birthday was recent and not in September.

While I’ve been in this cocoon and considering the break that I have been taking from social media and also from blogging and the reasons for that I have come to the conclusion that I am done censoring myself.

I left Luke’s for a number of different reasons, not the least of which was politics, yet again. So sick of work politics. I tried to go back to the CVOR when I realized for sure that the clinic wasn’t going to be anything but me working as a medical assistant (!!!) and the director couldn’t make a spot for me. Too bad, because they are down nurses now. I ended up interviewing for a spot as a staff nurse to open a new OR in south Overland Park. The commute is about 10 minutes less than to Luke’s. And it is a main OR, so the cases are all super chill. We are like one step above a surgery center as far as acuity goes, so I am on cloud nine compared to CV acuity. I do miss the CV, though. I really really miss my CT surgeons. It really really sucks that the director of the CVOR couldn’t make a spot for me. Oh well. The incredibly awesome thing about my new gig is that I am primarily scrubbing! I feel like a duck to water I love it so much. I am considering pursuing my first assist so I can stay in the scrub role for the remainder of my nursing career.

So, yeah, career is chill. Not what I thought I would end up doing, I guess, but whatever.

My grief feels sort of like it is on ice. Sort of. It has definitely morphed this year. That really started over death day six and three. It was Oscar’s sixth death day and Nick’s third death day. Me and Pierce and Ryan went to Vail to see Death Cab for Cutie and it was completely different. I feel like I came to a new understanding that my years turn on death day, not New Year’s. I have also begun to reach a new distance from the trauma where I see that everyone, well, most everyone, has their own trauma. Most people don’t deal with it as well as I do, though, and it causes them real personality issues. Negative ones. I have shit I am dealing with in my personality, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that what I have been through has really forced me to change so I can get through my days with the least amount of discomfort as possible. My pain, my broken heart, is too much to bear and not be as healthy as I can be. I think the fact that Nick died of suicide three years after Oscar died of suicide is very telling regarding how painful it is to have one of your babies die of suicide.

And then there’s dating. Oh my goodness. What a freaking roller coaster ride. I wish I didn’t love sex so much. For real. I am hopeful that I may have finally met my match. It seems promising so far, but man, I’ve been here before. Countless times it seems like. I am attempting not to have any expectations, but goddamn that is so fucking hard. So, more like reasonable expectations. Still, my emotions throw me around without my permission, like, a lot. Learning how to rise above that noise is one of the hardest things. Bottom line, I try to be responsible. Hopefully this rocky road will finally start to smooth out.

My kids all really inspire me. Ryan has been amazing to learn from and be around and chill out with. He is learning guitar and piano, and writing lyrics, so it is absolutely inspiring to be around him. Pierce is a fucking rock star. I still cannot believe how well he has weathered the storm. Almost done with the first semester of KU. He absolutely thrives. Then there’s my firecracker, Phoenix. He and I are on a nutrition journey together. Finally gave into the PCP’s advice to trial a gluten free diet for him to help with his chronic constipation. He is so much better! Now if we can get his immune system to kick in so he stops picking up every bug from the preschool. We are going to see a naturopath to help us with that. And Oscar. He and I see each other in my dreams. I feel his presence often and we have a relationship even through death. He is wise and guides all of his brothers and me. I feel his energy helping us to see the way. He knows that I am inspired by him to become a better mother, a better person. He is my light. I miss him beyond words. Always.

Xmess sucks. Holidays suck. Half of my family is dead. It is what it is. The point is that I keep going. I keep moving forward. Even when it feels like I am slogging through mud. Some days are better than others. I try to enjoy every moment for what it is and be in it. Fully present.

Hopefully it won’t be so long before the next time I write and publish. I might just go back and publish some of the drafts that I have saved up from over the past couple of years. I’m cocooned, but I’m done hiding.

changes

okay, so it is cliche, but we can all agree that the one constant in life is change, yes?

the changes that have been happening to me because of the changes that were manifested (through lots of prayer and conversation with god) and then acted upon, in regards to my career, are changing me in ways that were not fully thought out. i mean, how can you really think through something entirely that hasn’t happened to you yet? some of the changes are very welcome- i feel myself resonating, vibrating, with a much slower, and relaxed energy. the difference between two minutes being too long to wait for something a patient needs and two hours being a fast turnaround for a request. the difference between having to clock in and clock out and being salaried. the difference between chest compressions and a caring conversation.

sure, there are lots of reasons that my new gig is challenging: politics, learning the tactics needed to move a large bureaucracy toward the changes it says it wants, but that all actions suggest otherwise, the inefficiencies of a clinic workflow that have gone unchecked for years. not to mention adding a new specialty area to my repertoire.

and it would be a lie if i said i didn’t miss the OR.

but this new work that i am being called to do, the new spotlight on the areas of my self, of my soul, of the way i walk through the world, it is intense. i feel directed to lean in and do some hard work on how i interact with my environment. to look at the root cause of my impatience, to explore the deepest, darkest parts of my personality and draw those places into the light.

to surrender to the imperfection, acknowledge it, and love it anyway.

and, i think my very favorite consequence of my new job is that i am really sleeping again, dreaming again. when oscar died my sleep left. don’t get me wrong, i still slept “well” because i’ve always been a strong sleeper, but i didn’t dream and explore as much in my sleep as i did before he died. that has been my very favorite change. and one i think comes from my heart being satisfied that i am on the right path.

like my nurse navigator mentor told me yesterday, “you have the heart of a navigator”. that resonates so deeply with me; i feel that. ultimately, it will be my heart that keeps me pushing forward on this new path. and, truly, i would not have the relationship i have now with my heart if i hadn’t spent the last year of my OR career working in open hearts. beyond grateful for my experience in the CVOR.

so, i choose to keep rolling with the changes. learning from life. open to the challenge. baby steps.

last day

I’ve had one other last day in the OR, in 2018, when I left the OR briefly right before Nick died. I made the leap from OR to primary care. As in ambulatory, doctor’s office visit, primary care. I remember really liking it and feeling like it had the potential to be an incredibly powerful platform to reach patients with mental health issues, but then Nick died. He died only several weeks into my transition from OR to primary care. His death by suicide, on the third anniversary of Oscar’s death, which was also by suicide, was more than I could bear and be learning a new specialty area. So back to the OR I went. I was so blessed to have an OR family that welcomed me back with open arms. I hadn’t even been gone for 3 months when I came catapulting back, on the wave of yet another personal trauma and tragedy.

The OR has been home for so long. Over a decade of my life. It felt good to get lost in the rhythm of surgery again. It helped me learn how to walk with the grief of yet another tremendous loss. Still, there was this whisper, this yearning of wanting to do something more, something different, something that would scratch the itch that reared it’s ugly head the moment that I understood Oscar was dead. I explored so many different options. Countless resume submissions to all manner of different fields in nursing: school nursing, occupational/ employee health nursing, case management, I even applied for a floor nursing position at one point when I was exploring the idea of being a nurse educator! I applied at colleges to teach, to be on public health think tanks. Zero of these ever came back with positive outcomes- I never got interviews. These serial application cycles would happen about every 6 months to a year from the time that Oscar died. It was sort of exhausting, but I felt led to do it. To get out into the job market about every 6 months or so and see what other avenues of nursing I might call home, a position that would utilize this new set of skills that I had learned related to overwhelming grief and our experience getting lost in the system. Often, when I look back at our experience the few months before Oscar died, hindsight being what it is, I see how incredibly perfectly all the holes in our slices of Swiss cheese lined up. And Oscar fell right through. Unfortunately our outcome was the worst, death.

A sort of breaking point for me was when I didn’t get promoted past boardrunner/ charge nurse in the OR that had welcomed me back with open arms after Nick died. I wanted to lead that department with such a deep desire, but my director didn’t think I was ready. So, when I didn’t get hired as the OR manager in that department, I decided it was time to do something that I had always wanted to do in surgery: open hearts. I researched programs in our local region. St. Luke’s Mid-America Heart Institute was the only choice hands down. I applied. Was offered a job. And I turned it down the first time because I was SCARED! 3 months went by, I was incredibly stressed and stretched to my limit working 12 hour shifts 3 days a week as boardrunner/ charge nurse for an OR that ran 12 starts daily with, more times than not, 50+ cases. We would be balls to the walls busy from 7am to 7pm (and after) more often than not. When I finished my BSN program at the end of 2019 I applied to the CVOR (cardiovascular operating room) at Luke’s again. Immediately got an interview. Second time around I accepted. Time to face the fear and trust the process; embrace the lifestyle of CVOR nurse.

My time in the CVOR over the past year has been an incredible learning journey. I have learned this amazing specialty. I have learned a lot more about my own limits. I have learned what I really want to focus on in patient care. That has been the most exciting. I have been pushed to learn more about myself as a nurse and what really makes me tick. What makes me excited about what I do and more convinced than ever that I have been called to this profession. I feel, more than ever, that I was made by Him to be a nurse. And just how important my voice as a strong nurse is to the patient care TEAM. The team isn’t just docs. It isn’t just nurses, or techs. It is all of us, each one with a different way of seeing the patient’s experience. I did my best in the CVOR. I learned how to really pray, each call shift stretching me to my personal limits in handling stress in a healthy manner. I participated in some of the most incredible, and life-saving, patient care of my career. I learned to understand how to monitor critical patients and what it really means to have someone’s life in my hands. I will never, ever regret my time in CV surgery. In fact, I believe without any doubt that my time in the CVOR is what opened doors to me to my forever career path: patient navigation.

There were so many conversations I had with the staff in the CVOR that helped me to find my place. From my manager, to my charge nurse, to my fellow staff nurses and techs, to the nurse liaison for our department, to the docs, to the physician assistants, to the anesthesia providers, to the perfusionists. Every single person was open and receptive to me exploring life outside of our department. That meant so much to me. It says a lot about the overall culture at St. Luke’s and why I am so incredibly blessed and proud to be a St. Luke’s nurse. I started keeping an eye on the job site at Luke’s in the fall of 2020. I applied for case management positions and a nurse resource position. No bites. I decided to fully commit to the OR and give my all in my current specialty so I applied to test for my CNOR (certified nurse operating room) certification and began studying OR standards and guidelines. I became involved in a system-wide committee to standardize our malignant hyperthermia preparation and response. All the while keeping an eye on jobs at Luke’s. That was the one thing I was sure of: I wanted to stay with Luke’s.

I first noticed the Thoracic Center Patient Navigator position a month before I applied for it. I stalled that long because I had seriously just made the commitment to stay in the OR and I was insecure because I had already been passed over for case management positions. This position kept coming up for me, though, because it was posted under education and the job description sounded exactly like what I wanted to do. It would incorporate my communication and leadership skills and also grow my coaching and education skills along with challenge me to develop a new role for the center. And, I was fairly certain it would build on my relationships that I had already established with some of our cardio-thoracic surgeons. The thing that finally pushed me to apply was a conversation I had with my child, Viv. They got real with me and that made me realize that it was really time to get serious about changing my work lifestyle. I needed to dial down the stress and uncertainty and dial up the consistency. So I finally applied. Had an incredible journey to my job offer and just finished my second week in the clinic as the Thoracic Center’s new Patient Care Navigator.

This change in my career path has been a long time coming. I feel more certain with each day that I have made the right choice and that I do, indeed, have something really special to offer patients. With my combined professional and personal history, my ability to grow through post traumatic stress, along with my ability to communicate clearly, succinctly and efficiently, interwoven and enhanced by the amazing Thoracic staff and our doc champions that keep the clinic humming, I have faith and hope that we will be able to build an amazing, world-class Thoracic Navigation program at St. Luke’s.

Oh, and did I mention I start my MSN in Care Coordination at Nebraska Methodist College in August?!

This is going to be fun! 😉

today is my birthday

September 11th came and went. The five year milestone has come and gone.

And now the next biggie day during full on grief season: my birthday. This day has been absolutely miserable for me since Oscar died. It just has. There is so much there and I think the main point is how can I still be here and he is dead? Out of order death, especially from suicide, is one of the hardest to bear. For whatever reason the reality and truth of Oscar’s death is especially stark on my birthday.

I have realized since the 5 year milestone that I am ready to start talking more about other things in my life and not focus so much, completely, entirely on my grief and how it has changed everything.

And this morning, miraculously, I woke up feeling grateful. My heart was full. I have an amazing family (my kids are beyond incredible), I have super supportive parents who only want to see me doing the best I can (whatever the best I can is), I have an amazing career, I have a beautiful home, a new car, I have a vibrant dating life, I have a truly fabulous support system of friends and colleagues, the list goes on and on. I love the path that I am on. I am grateful for my journey.

I am grateful I have been doing the work with consistency to stay healthy in my body and mind leading up to this grief season. I have been very focused on exercise, writing, eating well, and sharing in everyday conversation when I have the energy to share. Another fabulous healing modality that I have utilized with regularity leading up to and into this grief season is massage. The energy work that I have been doing has been on a deeper level than I have ever been. And, man, it has been so enlightening!

September 12th I realized exactly what I want to do with my career. I want to work part time in the OR and work part time in private practice as an Integrative Health Practitioner. I am in the process of applying to a graduate program through Drexel University online that would have me beginning my Master’s of Science in Complementary and Integrative Health the Fall of 2021.

Since I had this realization, it is like I have felt a great sigh of relief from the universe. I feel my path aligning for my higher purpose; my ultimate opportunity to give back to the community.

42 isn’t looking too bad.

time

There has been this pervasive thread of discussion throughout my life: time. My relationship to it, how my relationship to it affects others who weave in and out of my life, and it seems to be a popular subject no matter the season of my life. I called it pervasive because it usually comes up for others who observe me in my life and think poorly of the way I interact with it. I don’t go slow as a matter of course. There have been many times in my life that I fit the cliche about fools rushing in. As I grow into advanced age I feel that there are not so many times now that I jump based on feelings and intuition, at least compared to how I used to be. Someone looking at me now that doesn’t know me would probably think, “holy sh*t, if this is even half as much as she used to jump in then I cannot imagine what her life used to look like.” Ha.

Time is a funny beast. Sort of reminds me of grief in a lot of ways. Time has a sort of ever-changing nature a lot like grief. Certain moments can feel overwhelming and like they are going so so fast and you wonder what happened to those past three hours and then in other cases it feels like it doesn’t move even when you will it to.

Lately I have been enjoying the quickly changing nature of my life. I have said for several years now that you know you are an operating room nurse when two minutes feels like an hour. And maybe that is one of the reasons I was initially attracted to the OR- time is very much on purpose. It matters that things move as quickly as possible. As much as perhaps I have a natural affinity for moving quickly, the OR has also influenced and reinforced my continued development of this particular personality trait.

And it drives some people nuts.

Seriously, it was one of the reasons I knew deep down, before I committed to the decision, finally, that Grant and I weren’t going to make it. No matter how hard we tried. No matter how much work we put into our romantic relationship. I move too fast. I just do. It is a deeply ingrained part of my personality and because it is reinforced in my career it is a super strong piece of who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of times that it is important to slow down enough to see the details. Like just now, I sent a text meant for the man I am dating to Grant by accident. Oops. But those little mistakes because I am not going slow enough are so much better made in my personal life than at work when a little mistake like that could mean a truly life-altering mistake. Like wrong procedure or wrong medication. So I take it as it comes and try to learn, always.

Since I made what seemed like a fast and furious decision (it was actually a decision that I had been struggling with for weeks) to stop trying to make my romantic relationship with Grant work I have seen so much growth in myself! I have been focused on caring consistently and deeply for my body by running regularly. I have been finding myself in a sort of “do it and get it done” mode. I haven’t been one for sitting and writing and it has been difficult to maintain my Bible reading daily because I simply feel the need to do! I feel all action right now. I have been funneling that energy into taking much better care of not just my body, but my kids and my home. I have been decluttering and reorganizing my space. I have been making it make sense for who I am today, not who I was four years ago when I moved into this space.

I have also been funneling that energy into dating. Some would say it is much too soon to be dating again. But I move at the speed of life. And when my brain finally completely acknowledged what my heart and soul had known for years, people, years, I felt an amazing finality to what had come before. I feel like I worked through all of the big important issues about me in relationships and had come out on the other side with the understanding that I needed to be cognizant of my attachment style and also the attachment style of those that I choose to date. Truly I felt ready to start dating again right away. Oh, and I am not getting any younger, honey!!

I had some really great conversations with lots of men right off the bat, thank you FB dating. I had probably a dozen conversations going for a short time. One by one they all weeded themselves out. Some went way too fast wanting to meet me after introducing themselves, and some going way too slow. I felt like Goldilocks! Somehow out of that chaos I met someone really special. Our initial connection was super fun. He made me laugh. And then we would alternate between super fun conversation and pepper it with super serious conversation. He thinks about the same stuff I do, he doesn’t like sports for similar reasons (what?! come again?), he cares about his physical health, and he has an amazing vision he brings to life through art.

We met last Monday. It was truly magical for me. I sent him flowers the next day! I have never done anything like that before. I find myself doing lots of things I have never done before with him. They are all good things. I catch myself wondering if this is what a healthy relationship feels like. Throughout all of this acknowledged super fast development I have kept myself grounded by maintaining my self-care and also staying focused on secure attachment. He boosts me in ways that I didn’t really understand I needed, or perhaps I understood I needed, but stuffed it down because I was convinced it was never going to happen for me. He makes me feel sexy, desirable, heard, and comfortable. It is early yet, but so far he is able to tolerate the big, scary, immense impossibility of my grief.

So, why do I write about this? This thing that is happening for me romantically ties right into time. This pervasive thread that runs through my life. I want to LIVE! I want to make the most of the time I have. Right now, especially now, I feel strongly that the time I am putting into this spark of a romance is time well spent. I am learning so much about myself and about what it means to be in a healthy partnership. The future is unknown. I fully understand, and accept, that it could be next week that I am writing about how this spark of a romantic relationship has already burned itself out. But for right now, while the ember is still hot and I see flames starting to take hold I am going to enjoy it. I am going to nurture it and show my gratitude through transparent communication and a commitment to my own health. One other thing that I have made a commitment to do differently this time is be mindful of my attachment style and mindful of his. Secure attachment can happen even for those of us who have been anxious or avoidant in past relationships, if you can keep perspective and awareness of your emotional responses.

Time. I am doing my damndest to make the most of what time I have. Tricky at times considering my experience as a bereaved mama and suicide loss survivor. It would have been tricky enough as a recovering addict and abused wife. Tragedy and beauty, loss and joy can co-exist. That is what the past nearly five years have taught me. Oscar’s memory glows inside me. He is a driving force for all that I am, all that I do, and all that I will become. I feel his blessing on me.

for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of

Right now I feel like writing all the time. Certain topics seem to bubble up more easily than others. I know I need to keep writing about my time with Nick, but every time I think about it or look at it I think about how drained I was after the first, and only, time that I wrote and I push it away. Writing about my dreams was as close to writing about Nick as I have come since that first installment of my not-a-memoir. The blog that I wrote about those dreams helped me quite a bit. Mostly reminded me that I need to give it up to God. Turn it over as I first heard in 12-step. So I started praying about it. And I feel better. I felt a little bit self-conscious about my last post. What keeps resurfacing for me is that blogging is apart of my process, I find it cathartic, and transparency is one of my hallmark personality traits. I do question, though, whether or not my blog could be considered gossip. I didn’t understand until very recently that gossip is a sin. And I have been a gossiper my entire life. I had no idea that what I was doing was a deep sin, but now that I know that to be true, I can see how this part of my personality must be surrendered to God. I know Jesus will help me to understand where the line is if I can get quiet enough to hear Him. Also, I am not making anyone read this stuff.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about Oscar’s death, well I always think about it, it is hard to explain, but lately it has been surfacing in a more vibrant fashion. It ebbs and flows, like all things in this existence of ours. The thoughts have mostly been details about finding his body. And my screaming. I have never screamed like that. I hope to never again. Blood curdling, “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,” as I was pumping on his chest too fast for CPR because my adrenaline was hurling through my veins. My sweet, beautiful boy. I remember his eyes after he died. How badly I wanted life to flicker back into them and for him to gasp for air and say, “Mom, Mom, I am so sorry, thank you for saving me.” Alas, that was not my reality that fateful morning. My experience finding Oscar dead has been kind of on a constant playback in various forms and various intensities since it happened. Visions of the basement and how it looked. What he was wearing. The way his body was positioned. It hurts. It is the deepest, darkest pain that you can’t ever imagine. I still cry a lot, well, at least I think it is a lot. I remember when I first saw his body lying there and immediately thinking, “Oh honey, I probably won’t be able to get you out of this one.”

I have been off my self-care game lately. I had gotten into this amazingly vibrant routine that included running at least once per week, but when I was really on it I was running three times a week three miles per run, regular journaling and reflection with my Silk + Sonder, reading my bible daily (my mom and I are reading an incredible plan by the BibleProject that will get us through the entire book- you can find it on YouVersion), and deeply studying the bible at least once or twice a week. And by deeply studying I am referring to a mix of weekly online church services at Vineyard Overland Park, Vineyard Institute classes, Esther Dorotik materials (this is where my focus on gossip has come from, I have deep gratitude for Esther, I am sure I will mention her more in future posts- you can find her shop, EstherDorotikShop, on Etsy), and a program called Churches That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. I have been generally surrounding myself with Christian resources- I even joined Nurses Christian Fellowship. These activities have become my spiritual foundation. If I take good care of my spirit I can take good care of my life. When my self-care routine is not on point my spirit suffers and so do the people I love most.

I blogged about it my first blog back a week or so ago, but the reason I am currently off my self-care game is because Grant, Phoenix, and I spent most of June together. Since Grant decided not to move in and we have started couples therapy I suggested that we go back to following the parenting plan and slowly start seeing each other more, but with stronger intention of actually seeing each other, as in on dates, instead of him and Phoenix spending loads more time here like he has already moved back in. There has been some discomfort around my insistence on this tack, but I feel really good about it because I am getting my alone time again! Oh how I missed taking good care of myself and my spirit. As we continue to heal our relationship we will need to find ways for me to consistently and regularly get time alone to spend on journaling, exercising, and bible study. I think finding alone time is a common problem for mothers today, but in my case it is absolutely devastating if I do not get the time I need for self-care. It just is. I think those of us who have a strong and prevalent history of trauma need more time for self-care. Looking back over the past nearly five years since Oscar died all the times that were the most chaotic and turbulent can be directly correlated to a lack of consistent and regular self-care. It just is.

If I don’t take care of myself with a diligent self-care practice my heart fills with the dark memories associated with Oscar’s death and with Nick’s death, for that matter. Grief begins to take over my path. I have been working hard for the past almost five years to be able to walk next to my grief. It has taken a lot of effort to deeply understand that even though grief will be a constant companion for the remainder of my life, it does not deserve to overwhelm my life.

This is the statement that Jesus made at the end of Luke 6:45, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” The entire verse is as follows, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” This is such an amazing observation, isn’t it? This is the kind of stuff that makes me so excited to understand the bible better and to become closer to Jesus. I love this idea, that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. When I write about my grief experience and the memories that fuel my negative reaction to the events that have happened in my life, like my memories of finding Oscar dead, it is because that is what my heart is full of. Sharing my experience helps to release it from my heart and actively hand it over to God. I also hope and pray that through sharing my experience as a bereaved mama and a suicide loss survivor others will feel less stigmatized to share their experiences. We need to open up about suicide and suicide loss in our culture. We need to make this conversation that nobody wants to have into a conversation that can be easily discussed. It is simple to share our truth, not easy. I want to encourage all of my fellow suicide loss survivors to share the truth of your experience!

The picture is of me and Oscar I think about two years before he died. My sense of time since 2012 is a little skewed, and it is hard for me to remember when certain events occurred. We were at my parent’s house on Foster in Bremerton, Washington. I miss those big eyes. You can see how sad he was. Looking back with hindsight being what it is I wish I had done so many things differently. I pray a lot about those things and the only relief I have is when I let God carry it for me.

too long

THERE IS SO MUCH!!

It has been way too long since I have written. I feel like I have been through at least two lifetimes in the past few months. My new job is pushing me to grow in ways I didn’t realize I needed to grow. It is interesting, as I have been adjusting to my new unit and the culture there, I have been turning inward. I have been reluctant to share my inner journey with you, which had become such a big part of who I was and what I needed to do to stay healthy before my transition to the CVOR.

After my therapy yesterday with my treasured psychologist it became very clear to me that I need to reach inside and determine what I need to do to stay healthy and then do those things. I need to fiercely guard the time I need to do those things. I am saying that as if it is some incredible realization when really it is a well-known fact, the problem is simply that if I spend too much time away from what I need to do to keep myself healthy my grief comes out sideways.

This is what I have been doing too much lately and not paying attention to myself because of: healing my relationship with Grant. There, I said it. Well, not to mention Covid-19 (learning how to live the new normal with the rest of the planet). Grant always pushes me to be so quiet about what we have going on with each other, and I get it, he enjoys privacy, but I am not a quiet person when it comes to my life. I like for things to be out in the open. Transparent.

I lived a long time in the dark during my youth. I really had two lives then: the life on the outside that looked mostly okay to everyone looking in on us (the mask) and the one at home that was full of anger, alcohol, and marijuana with an abusive husband who had me convinced if I tried to get help for my addiction he would lose his job. Back then I was just trying to keep it together enough to get through school and maintain a job. I have started a writing exercise that my psychologist recommended might help me integrate those traumatic memories. It takes so much emotional energy to do it I can only face it in small bits.

Right now Grant and I have reached a point where we want to live together again but there are some major issues that need to be figured out. The first is that I get virtually zero alone time when we spend a lot of time together. This is because Phoenix prefers my care to Grant’s care when the two of us are together. I have been encouraging Grant to try being more assertive and maybe that will help if I also stop stepping up right away. This kind of change takes time when you are working on this sort of reintegration. Another issue is that we do need couples counseling. And, of course, we seem to be attracted to completely different types of therapists. Of course. Another big issue is our motivation: are we doing this because we are in love with each other or are we doing it for Phoenix?

Another big issue that Grant and I have is our reluctance to share our journey with our friends and family.

I can only speak for myself here, but I feel like we have been through so much and reached such a very low point together that our friends and family were very happy and relieved to see us separate when we did. I mean we went through the whole deal for a proper separation with lawyers and parenting plans and all of it.

Since I started working in the CVOR I have changed in ways I didn’t predict. I have been through some major ups and downs during my transition to my new unit and I finally have started to feel like I am finding my place. This is great because for a few days there I thought I had made a big mistake! One of the things that has come out of my experience caring for this patient population is a renewed and deepened Christian faith.

This is an issue for Grant because he does not vibe with Christianity. He also tells me that he doesn’t think I will maintain my Christian faith for long. I have tried explaining that this has been a lifelong dance and I have finally reached a point where I am comfortable in it and so I am feeling the strength to own it and ground myself in it like I never have before. This will be a sort of living amends for me to Jesus. And time will tell. I will say that a very beautiful realization and discovery has come from my renewed faith: chaplaincy. Becoming a healthcare chaplain as my long-term career goal makes sense and every time I think about it I feel deep peace.

All of this and the churning of difficult times of the year for my grieving soul: Mother’s Day, Pierce’s birthday, Father’s Day, Vivian’s birthday, Phoenix’s birthday, and on Friday, Nick’s birthday.

Here is the good news: Grant and I settled on him not moving in for at least six more months and I am refocusing on my alone time. I think it is best for us to honor our parenting plan and spend time alone together on dates. Certainly, plan time to spend together with Phoenix and my Lane kids as a family, too, but mostly focus on alone time getting to know each other more intimately. No more spending time together like we are living together. There are too many unhealed hurts and I need to spend time alone doing things like writing updates to my blog.

No more hiding.

 

Every year I relive Oscar’s last year

Facebook. Thanks to Facebook each and every year I relive Oscar’s last year through reminders of memories.

The cycle of my grief has hit a rhythm that I seem to be flowing with fairly well these days. I have begun to feel gratitude for my experience as a bereaved mother (that is a place I never thought I’d be). This morning on my drive into work I listened to my Calm app daily meditation, which I have been doing for the better part of the past year. It helps. There are many cliches and platitudes that I don’t buy so easily since Oscar died. Sayings like “there is always a silver lining” or “everything happens for a reason”. It so happens that the daily meditation today was about resistance and how our suffering increases as we resist things in our lives, especially the things we cannot change. Okay, I can vibe with that (which is progress for me, by the way). Then at the end of the meditation the cliche was dropped about seeing the silver lining in each situation that we cannot change. Just a few short weeks ago I would never have been able to say that there was a silver lining to my son’s death.

Even now it feels sort of uncomfortable admitting that I have reached a point that I can see a silver lining out of what I hope was the darkest time of my life. What is the silver lining? The silver lining is that I finally went back to school and finished my BSN. I had no plans to go back to school before Oscar died. I was making as much as I could make in my nursing career as a staff nurse in the OR. And I loved my job at KU. But after Oscar died I needed to feel like my voice carried more weight. ADN wasn’t enough anymore. I also wanted to do it for him. In his memory. So I did.

Today’s Facebook memory was my excited and hopeful declaration that I finally had full custody of all three of my kids. My heart is breaking because I had no idea what 2015 had in store for me and my family. No idea. I completely trusted God to care for all of us and show me the way to heal all of my beautiful children, especially Oscar. I am finally to a point in my grief journey where I am beginning to open back up to healing my relationship with my higher power. It isn’t easy; it is simple, but not easy. I am trying to allow myself to feel comfort in faith again. And trust. Trusting is the hardest.

Long time coming

In December I finished my BSN. What a relief. I showed up to the  Avila University Administration Building to pick up my diploma the day campus re-opened after Xmess break and when the nice lady behind the counter handed it to me and asked me to check the spelling of my name to make sure it was correct the tears started flowing. Joy, sadness, relief, pride. It was all in those tears. And the missing. Missing Oscar, missing Nick. I can hear Nick telling me how proud he is of me. I can feel Oscar’s arms around me squeezing me tight in hugs only he could give. Thinking of that moment brings the tears to my eyes and goosebumps to my flesh even now.

My life seems to have been moving a million miles an hour for the past several years. Really since I got clean eight years ago. Change is always constant. Not just subtle changes like needing to change the brand of your coffee because the one that you like has gotten too pricey or your usual store has stopped carrying it. My changes have been life or death, literally. Navigating big change is hard. Nothing easy about it. I have found that the way to stay (mostly) productive is to focus on the small bits that make up the everyday. Breathing. Breathing is a big deal for me. Meditation daily is part of my routine, but it hasn’t always been. At first, it was simply remembering to take deep cleansing breaths whenever the uncomfortable vibrations of emotional pain would start creeping in. Then drinking enough water. For real. Water is a big deal. After that comes nourishing foods. All with a focus on mindfulness. Staying square in the middle of the moment you are in.

In the last semester of my BSN, I had a realization. The truth of my realization is that I am a nurse whose calling is surgery. This has been a difficult truth for me to embrace since Oscar’s death.

I studied mental health- depression, and suicidality- for all of my individual projects while completing my BSN. How confusing to study mental health so intensely if your calling is surgery. I thought for a while that I should try to change my specialty area and I did for about three months beginning in the late summer of 2018. I worked in primary care for those three months and I learned very quickly that it wasn’t for me. Nick died in September of that year and I couldn’t try to make the transition to primary care work any longer. Thankfully, I was welcomed back to the OR at Menorah I had been working in since I left KU in 2016. It was really good to go back to surgery after trying something different. This was a big clue to me that my calling is truly surgery.

Fast forward to last summer, 2019. It became glaringly clear to me that Menorah was no longer a good fit for me. Not because I was grating with personalities or anything like that. Menorah OR has been a wonderful family for me. I love all of the staff there dearly and it took me over six months to make the final decision to leave for another OR. I was not aligning with the foundational ethics of HCA. Over and over again I would see the same problems happening and I was powerless to do anything about it. I had ended up back in a board running position and was denied the opportunity to advance to management, so I was in this strange and very uncomfortable position of seeing exactly what needed to change to make our department more efficient and safer for staff and patients with no power to make change happen.

I applied for other OR staff nurse positions after I was denied the promotion to OR Manager at Menorah- and I turned down two very strong offers from organizations with very positive reputations. I wasn’t sure if my motivation to leave Menorah was coming from a place that was purely emotionally reactionary. What if this just meant that I really did need to change my specialty area? That was the lingering question. I felt like I wanted to try a little longer at Menorah (and finish my BSN). Ensure that I was truly doing everything I could to continue my career at Menorah. There were several conversations with my director about burning out in my board running position. That it was too stressful to make an impossible schedule run smoothly every day. What we needed to change to make our department more efficient. My concerns fell on deaf ears. I tried at Menorah. I really did.

I explored the question of whether I was really meant for surgery because of all of the heart and soul that I gave to Menorah with no reciprocation. I decided to apply for any and every job that sounded interesting to me that wasn’t in surgery. Looking back I feel like I was testing God. My job hunt included many different community health type positions from school nurse to county emergency coordinator to public health. I applied at UMKC, Cerner, Johnson County, Shawnee Mission School District, even Tyson Foods! ZERO interest from these employers. My resume went nowhere.

Swirling in the back of my mind, the entire time since I had turned the offer down in September, I kept thinking of one OR staff nurse position in particular: CVOR at Saint Luke’s Hospital. When I had interviewed there in late summer last year I was so impressed. I asked the manager more questions than she asked me. All of her answers were spot on. I shadowed there and was completely enthralled. The way the nurses practiced, the care I saw given, it was all world-class. Truly world-class. And the cases themselves! I had always had a little piece of me that wanted to learn CVOR, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough.

I had first been exposed to CVOR at KU. One of our robot rooms for main was in the CVOR and I would peek in the windows of those heart cases and I remember saying to my work wife at the time how much I wish I could just be a fly on the wall in those rooms. What if I was meant to grow as an OR nurse in a way that I never thought I would have the opportunity to? What if I could grow my OR nursing practice to include this pinnacle of OR nursing knowledge- open hearts? Those were the questions that began to make themselves regulars as I would contemplate my next career move.

The day after I finished my BSN course work in December 2019 I looked to see if the position at Saint Luke’s CVOR was still open. It was! I immediately reached out to the manager and to the HR recruiter I had worked with previously. I went through another round of interviews. I felt a sense of home during those interviews. I was extended a second offer that I accepted.

I have been in my new position learning the rooms as a CVOR staff nurse for about a month now. I’m not going to lie, it was pretty rough at first. The cases are the highest acuity and that is challenging to me because of my own personal trauma, but I feel confident that I am able to process these new experiences appropriately and bring my highest level of professional performance to the table. Also, fitting in with such a tight-knit team… They are the tightest-knit team I have ever seen, and each and every one of them holds each other to the highest practice standard. And me, coming from a leadership position where I had been on the outside of staff camaraderie- I am sure it seemed like I was either super stand-offish or a snob. Transitions have always been hard for me, but I feel like especially over the past two weeks or so I have started figuring out my spot on this team. I feel like I have so much to learn even though I have been an OR nurse for the better part of ten years. This specialty area should not see me bored for a very very long time, if ever!

I have been feeling so much of myself change since I started at Luke’s. The organizational atmosphere at Saint Luke’s is amazing. I have never felt so supported in my nursing practice. What I have had the blessing to witness caring for our patients is truly humbling. Somehow being with these patients is different than all of the other surgical patients I have cared for. It has been very powerful for me on the deepest level of spirit.

My career finally feels like it is exactly where it needs to be. And that has been a long time coming. My new understanding is that I can pursue the career that I have always dreamed of and simultaneously honor my firstborn son, Oscar. I don’t need to fundamentally change what has always excited me about nursing in order to fully honor his memory. The way that I carry myself as I do the work that I love is what matters. That I keep talking and keep sharing openly and honestly about my experience and all that I have learned about mental wellness is the purest way for me to honor my beautiful boy, Oscar.

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