Over the past several months I have written and then not published. Because I was worried about work politics or hurting someone’s feelings or some other such similar reason. At the beginning of September I went into what feels like a cocoon. I have been avoiding all social media and focusing on me, the now, my kids, my home, my work. I thought it would be just September that I avoided social media, and, in fact, for the entire month of September I was completely and totally absent from social media. It felt so good I didn’t check it out again until late October. I don’t think I’ve had any personal posts, except to thank people for the birthday wishes, which was hilarious because people responded as if my birthday was recent and not in September.
While I’ve been in this cocoon and considering the break that I have been taking from social media and also from blogging and the reasons for that I have come to the conclusion that I am done censoring myself.
I left Luke’s for a number of different reasons, not the least of which was politics, yet again. So sick of work politics. I tried to go back to the CVOR when I realized for sure that the clinic wasn’t going to be anything but me working as a medical assistant (!!!) and the director couldn’t make a spot for me. Too bad, because they are down nurses now. I ended up interviewing for a spot as a staff nurse to open a new OR in south Overland Park. The commute is about 10 minutes less than to Luke’s. And it is a main OR, so the cases are all super chill. We are like one step above a surgery center as far as acuity goes, so I am on cloud nine compared to CV acuity. I do miss the CV, though. I really really miss my CT surgeons. It really really sucks that the director of the CVOR couldn’t make a spot for me. Oh well. The incredibly awesome thing about my new gig is that I am primarily scrubbing! I feel like a duck to water I love it so much. I am considering pursuing my first assist so I can stay in the scrub role for the remainder of my nursing career.
So, yeah, career is chill. Not what I thought I would end up doing, I guess, but whatever.
My grief feels sort of like it is on ice. Sort of. It has definitely morphed this year. That really started over death day six and three. It was Oscar’s sixth death day and Nick’s third death day. Me and Pierce and Ryan went to Vail to see Death Cab for Cutie and it was completely different. I feel like I came to a new understanding that my years turn on death day, not New Year’s. I have also begun to reach a new distance from the trauma where I see that everyone, well, most everyone, has their own trauma. Most people don’t deal with it as well as I do, though, and it causes them real personality issues. Negative ones. I have shit I am dealing with in my personality, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that what I have been through has really forced me to change so I can get through my days with the least amount of discomfort as possible. My pain, my broken heart, is too much to bear and not be as healthy as I can be. I think the fact that Nick died of suicide three years after Oscar died of suicide is very telling regarding how painful it is to have one of your babies die of suicide.
And then there’s dating. Oh my goodness. What a freaking roller coaster ride. I wish I didn’t love sex so much. For real. I am hopeful that I may have finally met my match. It seems promising so far, but man, I’ve been here before. Countless times it seems like. I am attempting not to have any expectations, but goddamn that is so fucking hard. So, more like reasonable expectations. Still, my emotions throw me around without my permission, like, a lot. Learning how to rise above that noise is one of the hardest things. Bottom line, I try to be responsible. Hopefully this rocky road will finally start to smooth out.
My kids all really inspire me. Ryan has been amazing to learn from and be around and chill out with. He is learning guitar and piano, and writing lyrics, so it is absolutely inspiring to be around him. Pierce is a fucking rock star. I still cannot believe how well he has weathered the storm. Almost done with the first semester of KU. He absolutely thrives. Then there’s my firecracker, Phoenix. He and I are on a nutrition journey together. Finally gave into the PCP’s advice to trial a gluten free diet for him to help with his chronic constipation. He is so much better! Now if we can get his immune system to kick in so he stops picking up every bug from the preschool. We are going to see a naturopath to help us with that. And Oscar. He and I see each other in my dreams. I feel his presence often and we have a relationship even through death. He is wise and guides all of his brothers and me. I feel his energy helping us to see the way. He knows that I am inspired by him to become a better mother, a better person. He is my light. I miss him beyond words. Always.
Xmess sucks. Holidays suck. Half of my family is dead. It is what it is. The point is that I keep going. I keep moving forward. Even when it feels like I am slogging through mud. Some days are better than others. I try to enjoy every moment for what it is and be in it. Fully present.
Hopefully it won’t be so long before the next time I write and publish. I might just go back and publish some of the drafts that I have saved up from over the past couple of years. I’m cocooned, but I’m done hiding.