So I’ve made it through September, and almost all of October, but…

It just doesn’t really get any easier, not at the base, at the foundation of it all. I still feel his absence to the absolute marrow of my bones, all the way down to the molecular structure of my DNA. I keep dreaming about him and his dad and Washington- the other night I dreamt that I was with him, close to him, touching his beautiful face and staring into those incredible deeply perceptive eyes. I woke up and picked a huge wound on my own face, which I haven’t done in years. Great. I have been keenly missing his dad lately, too. All I ever wanted was to be happy with Nick. To get along with the most amazing partner I had ever had- but to do that he would have had to completely change. Addiction is a cunning enemy of life, goddamnit. And it sure was a destructive force on my life, on our lives, all the way around. The root cause of all of the tragedy that I have endured in my life is addiction. I work hard, daily, to make peace with that fact. To accept it, to let it be. And to never let it happen again. This Lane family curse stops with me, stops with this generation. No more. Enough.

Here I am almost through October. This year has actually been pretty okay. I have been utilizing a mental wellness product that is all-natural and it has been helping me to be pretty okay, which is tremendously improved from my typical level of functioning this time of year. It helped me get through Nick’s funeral- of that, I am certain- and helped me to make the most of my time in Kitsap County. It was so incredibly healing. We called it #healingweek. And it lived up to its name in every way. I realized during my time in Washington that the geography there, the land there, the people there, the rain there, the trees there, the water there, the everything there is always going to be half of who I am. Half of who I am. I felt a mission in my life, a pull that was beyond words when I was a teenager running from everything I knew in the Midwest. And it took me straight to Nick Lane in Bremerton, Washington. What a journey it has been. There are so many things that I would have done differently, of course.

One of the things that I have learned just recently is that the people that I had hoped I could rely on for support don’t get it. When the people that you thought supported you no matter what tell you that you are not trying hard enough when your grief overwhelms you with such force that it takes your breath away it is time to find new people. So I took that truth and have been looking for my tribe. I am very hopeful that I will find it in yoga. And I am very grateful that I have the opening of a new studio to look forward to next month. November is hard because it is Oscar’s birthday, so having something to look forward to next month is key.

Something wonderful did happen to me at the end of September- while I was at Pierce’s home debate tournament- I literally felt my holiday spirit float back into my body. At the exact spot where my heart is. This is huge for my family. When I asked Viv and Pierce if they would be okay with staying home for Christmas and decorating the house together they were both very excited! I usually take the kids and run away somewhere for Christmas because it is just too hard to tolerate. Great Wolf Lodge has been key for those getaways. I am not ready for any family ornaments yet- I don’t know when I will be- so this year we are decorating with a beach theme! It is fun to look forward to the happiness it brings to Viv especially. I am certain my youngest little spitfire, Phoenix, will appreciate it, as well. He is only two.

Viv and I had a lot of fun decorating for Halloween- Halloween used to be my absolute favorite holiday with Oscar. He loved to carve pumpkins. The year that he died I had been so looking forward to sharing Halloween with him because we hadn’t carved pumpkins together for two years… he was always so good at carving pumpkins. I took pictures the last time we carved pumpkins together in Bremerton, the year before the divorce. The problem is, I don’t know where those pictures are… I am almost ready to start going through the old pictures. I have so many from when he was little, thank God. They are waiting patiently for me in the hutch where I keep all that is left of him. There will never be enough of him. Not ever.

All of these feelings and all of my experiences spill over into my professional life. How could they not when I am a nurse? Since Oscar died I have felt a need to affect change on a larger scale than I do in my current position. I have experimented with all kinds of different ideas: working in primary care (that was a no-go), having my own intuitive healing arts business (still too small), staying in surgery and working my way “up the ladder” (my current director doesn’t agree that I should advance to manager), simply staying in surgery as a staff nurse somewhere other than where I work now (surgery just doesn’t feel right anymore). Over and over again I feel like I am not fitting. I keep working over all these different scenarios in my mind about how I could stay where I am and just volunteer more, I would very much like to be more involved with the Johnson County Suicide Prevention Coalition, but I am so tired after working shifts at my current position. It is so incredibly draining. The hours are so long and I see how it affects Viv negatively. Another good reason for a different path- different hours.

And I am still finishing school- it is almost over!!! December is my graduation date. I keep thinking maybe when I am done with school it will be different. And it will, but it won’t change how tired I am after a shift running the board in my OR. So I have started applying for positions in public health-related environments as they come up. Basically, if it looks interesting to me and it is something I have never done before as a nurse because it is on a macro-level instead of a micro-level I am applying. It is scary to think about leaving the specialty area that I wanted so much to be apart of for so long when I first started as a registered nurse fourteen years ago. Scary for a variety of reasons. Not the least of which is money. I am finally making more now than I did on the west coast- it took several years to get here. But just how important is money? Very. Sure. But so is affecting change to a system that is broken. And I can’t do that from the boardrunner position in surgery. I really want to work with healthcare issues on a larger scale- so perhaps at Cerner working on developing solutions for population health electronic medical records or working for the Johnson County Government to coordinate and manage emergency preparedness or how about as a middle school nurse?

My point is these are all things I think about, that I experience, that I face on a daily that I never would have if Oscar hadn’t died. I was happy at KU in the Main OR working as a circulator. It was all I ever wanted. The life I was building was going so well, I had finally gotten custody of all three of my Lane kids and everything was finally going to be okay. We were all going to be happy because we were finally going to be together. And it was going to be everything we ever wanted, our family life was because I had gotten clean and was doing the work to heal and be healthy. To be the best mom I could be. But then Oscar died and my world disintegrated. Our world disintegrated. Here we are four years later and it only sort of looks “normal” again. Because I am sort of okay and can decorate for the holidays again. I miss him. More than I have ever missed anything in my life. And it hurts. More than words could ever describe. And it always will. Period.

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September

Oi vey. September. Here again already.

September used to be my favorite month. When asked my favorite season I used to say fall. When asked my favorite time of year I used to answer with September, the month of my birth.

When Oscar died September 11, 2015, that all changed. How could it not?

This year over the deathday week I am taking my Lane kids to the Pacific Northwest, where their lives all began, to bury the ashes of their father, Nick.

Last year, on September 16th two Overland Park police officers knocked on my front door with the news that Nick had died. It was revealed the next day when I spoke with the detective assigned to his case, that he had died of suicide.

We believe he died on Oscar’s deathday, September 11.

It took the better part of six months for Nick’s family and I to decide what/ how to best honor his memory. At the end of April, we all finally came to an understanding that his memorial service needed to happen during the deathday week- it was my suggestion that we honor him on the deathday itself. Since then all of the arrangements have slowly been coming together.

We are attempting to frame this week not as “grief week” but instead as “healing week”. The Lane family is going to once again attempt to put the “fun” in “fun”eral…

I have felt myself pulling way way in over the past several weeks. It started at the first brush of cooling fall air on my skin during August. This round of grieving has once again made it clear who is with me and who is against me. That is an extremely simplified expression of what is a somewhat complicated human response, but it seems fitting to me. When someone tells you that “you are smarter than that” when it comes to having your grief hijack your emotions it seems fairly obvious that the person is not with you. Truly that last thing you need to hear when you are suddenly overcome with grief is that you should somehow “know better”.

Grief is a visceral response to an impossible change in your reality.

There is no thought involved whatsoever.

That experience has helped me, though, once again, to understand myself alongside my grief with a touch more clarity. This is truly something that I feel my way through. And I feel that I am becoming a little bit better all the time at navigating it.

I have been focusing on my self-care more than usual. The basics: exercise, eating nutritiously, sleep, prayer, meditation, bathing regularly. I have also started a new course of mental wellness products which are focused on balancing the Gut-Brain Axis. I think they are helping because instead of feeling completely emotionally spent with zero energy constantly (which is usually where I live this time of year- all the way through until after the New Year) I feel… okay.

Feeling okay is a miracle.

This year I am giving myself permission to enjoy Fall. It is worth a try.

 

16

Wow. Pierce just turned 16.

Oscar died about 2 months before his 16th birthday, so this was huge.

Nick wasn’t here. Nick’s death from suicide in September 2018 has completely thrown me out of orbit. Any of the patterns or rhythms of living that I had just started to re-establish since Oscar’s death in September 2015 were all erased when those two police officers rang my doorbell.

I have had so many difficult emotions since May 23rd, which is Pierce’s birthday. I want to be happy and celebrate and feel joy for Pierce that he made it! He did it! Look at what a strong, beautiful, and amazing young man you are!! He had straight A’s this semester and he aced his pre-calculus final. And I couldn’t share that with his brother or his dad.  I know, I know, they are here even though we cannot see them and sure, we have my folks, and they are wonderful support. They encourage and nurture and teach and set excellent examples of how to be successful in life.

But I really missed Nick yesterday during our family dinner. Because I had gotten used to the idea of not having Oscar at these events, but this was the first big event that I really missed Nick. He would have had a sparkle in his eye and that goofy grin on his face- so proud of his living son. See, in my hopes after Nick moved here when he had hit what I wanted to be his rock bottom in 2017, I saw a future where he was in recovery from addiction and we had made amends to each other and we were co-parenting Pierce and Vivian successfully. So he would have been invited to Pierce’s family birthday dinner.

That isn’t my reality, though.

My reality is that half of my family is dead from suicide. First my oldest son, Oscar, on September 11, 2015, and then his dad, my ex-husband, Nick, on September 11, 2018.

Since we set the date for Nick’s memorial, the burial of his ashes, on September 11, 2019, I have been slowly processing what it is going to take for me to get through that week clean. I have been in recovery from addiction since February 20, 2012. I haven’t been back to the Pacific Northwest since I got clean in 2012. I will be faced not only with impossible grief when I am there, but legal marijuana and lots of old friends who I used with. I am aware enough of how addiction works to know that is a recipe for relapse.

The past year I have not been actively going to 12-step meetings or doing what it takes to really work my recovery. I have been staying clean, focusing on group grief therapy for suicide loss survivors and talk therapy with an amazing psychologist. I have been working full time, in school part-time and figuring out how to be a single mom with the complex emotional needs of my two older children and a very physically active toddler who is nearly two.

As I have turned my face back toward being active in recovery all sorts of things have started to happen. I have spoken with the woman who was my sponsor more than I have in over a year. We are not formally in a sponsor-sponsee relationship anymore, but it is nice to just be speaking with each other again. I have re-connected with some wonderful women who I know will be key in my network moving forward. I have gone to two meetings in the past week. I picked up my black key tag for the 7 years that I celebrated on February 20th.

All of this because I sent a Facebook message to an inspiring man a week ago today after he posted a picture of himself on Facebook graduating from college. We met around the time that Oscar died, he was new to recovery and had just moved back to KC. I have been making an effort to be active on Facebook as part of building my networking skills to help me grow my business. I have been sending messages on Facebook to people I haven’t spoken with in ages to reconnect.

He has been an amazing addition to my life this past week. Usually, people shy away from my pain and my grief and end up relying on platitudes that just make me feel worse. As a response, I shrink away from interaction with them. Maybe because he has had trauma in his life and he carries his own heavy grief he seems to always know what to say.

When I was having a hard time shopping for Pierce’s card (since Oscar died I have not put so much effort into these types of seemingly mundane tasks that make up the little- read that big- celebrations that we take for granted in life) I texted him and he said of course you are feeling pain, you are growing and you know as well as I do Oscar is right there picking that card out with you. No one says things like that to me! It was amazing. There are so many other little ways he has been an amazing support for me over the past week and I am grateful.

This is the other side of 16. Life keeps on going whether we want it to or not. As much as I would love for time to just pause, just for a few minutes, it is not going to. I have almost become a graceful expert at choking back the tears. There were a few times last night that Pierce and I met each other’s gaze knowingly and our hearts acknowledged each other and how incredibly difficult it felt to move forward. Those are the moments I live for now.

As I discover my new pattern of recovery and I begin actively applying the principles of the program to my life it won’t be easy- the program is simple, not easy. I have fear about how the intimate awareness of my character will intertwine with my grief. The steps are in the order they are in for a reason and if I let myself go at the pace my heart dictates and I don’t use, no matter what, everything will be okay. More than okay.

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This One is for School and it is all about Social Justice and Social Justice Warriors (Workplace Diversity at Avila); April 6, 2019; I deeply wish Oscar was here to discuss this!!!

This week in my current class, which is Workplace Diversity, our instructor is having us absorb a lot of different information about the term Social Justice Warrior. This class, as most of my other classes at Avila, has been eye-opening, to say the least. Right after Oscar died and I knew I was going to finish my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing in his memory, I knew I was getting myself into a challenging mind-growth situation, especially considering how grief like mine rearranges everything about yourself that you used to think was true. My last couple of classes I have been referring to as “mind-stretching”.  Uncomfortable at times because I feel deeply irritated, almost angry really, that we are WASTING OUR PRECIOUS TIME as a species on using our mind power to argue about issues that are not real.

What is real is that there are millions of people who die on our planet every day because they do not have nutrition to nourish their bodies. What is real is that in this county, the United States of America, suicide is now the number one killer of kids who are middle school age (now above accidental deaths for the first time ever) and we are not funding research accordingly so we can understand this disease process and save lives! There are plenty of other real issues that come to mind, and as I sit here rattling them off in my mind (all issues revolving around equality and equity, at their roots), I realize that this makes me a Social Justice Warrior. And damn right. I would like to see any right-wing conservative live through what I have lived through and not care about Social Justice issues deeply. And so lies the trap that I see so many people fall into. The name-calling and the “my-story-makes-my-opinion-more-valid-than-yours” defensive stance. This is where I see this Social Justice Warrior concept taking us online as I have completed the required readings and viewings for this week’s course work. It is a fancy game of name calling and refusing to take responsibility. On both sides.

Social Justice and Social Justice Warrior are different concepts, and to understand the term Social Justice Warrior it is important to understand Social Justice. Social Justice was first defined by Luigi Taparelli in 1840 in his Theoretical Treatise of Natural Right Based on Fact, “Justice due between associations on the same, or at greater or lesser levels of the social hierarchy.” Important to understand that this subject has roots in religion, Catholicism specifically, and it has only been in very recent years that it has become politicized. This ideology has influenced Marxist and Communist theory and also influences most social welfare programs. The problem with this term and with this concept is that it is not strictly defined. It means many different things to many different people and, as such, some would argue that it means nothing at all, such as F. A. Hayek. Hayek’s well-published opinion, that Social Justice cannot be defined, has been fuel for the fire for this to become a hotly contested political issue. So, Social Justice evolved from a theological and philosophical concept into a raging political and public opinion argument.

The UN threw more fuel on the fire in 2006 when Social Justice in an Open World was published. In this publication, the UN defined social justice: “Social justice may be broadly understood as the fair and compassionate distribution of the fruits of economic growth; however, it is necessary to attach some important qualifiers to this statement. Currently, maximizing growth appears to be the primary objective, but it is also essential to ensure that growth is sustainable, that the integrity of the natural environment is respected, that the use of non-renewable resources is rationalized, and that future generations are able to enjoy a beautiful and hospitable earth.” In my mind, why don’t we just stop there?

The term Social Justice Warrior has only been in existence since the end of the 20th Century. Social Justice Warrior means different things to different people, just like Social Justice. When someone applies this term to themselves it is a term that implies a willingness to fight for what is right, to fight for equality and equanimity. On the other hand, when it is applied by someone who does not agree with the concept of Social Justice it is meant in a derogatory and insulting manner to describe someone whose only aim is to censor speech and remove power from the privileged. Shout out to Dr. Layman for the informative youtube video on the history of Social Justice and Social Justice Warriors: A brief history of Social Justice and “Social Justice Warriors”.

The key players in the Social Justice Movement today are really any person or any group who advocate for the rights of historically marginalized people. I recently started following an Instagram account @lilnativeboy, Allen Salway, who I would consider a Social Justice Warrior. He is Native American and I have learned so much about myself as the descendant of white colonizers by seeing my privilege through his eyes. It is humbling and also embarrassing, to be sure. From everything to the physical ground that I live on and that it once belonged to the Navajo to understanding our American holidays like Thanksgiving through the eyes of those who were trampled on to establish such a “holiday”, this man is opening my eyes to the injustice that our country, founded by white Americans, is deeply engrained with. Another key player is a pediatrician named Dr. Rhea Boyd. She utilizes photographs, powerful images through which to view our current state of cultural affairs. Through these images, she feels that the story of social injustice is best told. Awareness of the issue is the first step to change. Further, change is really about integrating historically marginalized people into positions of power in our society. That is how lasting change toward equality and equanimity will happen.

The more awareness is generated regarding the current issues of living in our society as experienced by historically marginalized populations the swifter change must happen. It is a grassroots effort, a grassroots revolution of thought and action. When I understand my role in our society intimately, I naturally change the way I see, talk and interact with those around me. I actively seek relationships with those I might not have before my understanding was expanded. As a white woman with roots in her ancestry back to the American Revolution, I feel compelled to use whatever power comes from my privilege to lift those around me who have been trampled on by my ancestors. I want historically marginalized people to see me as a strong ally. The more I learn the more I want to hear the experiences of those around me who are different from me. I feel that through talking and sharing with one another we will become a united force for the revolutionary change that needs to happen in our government and to health policy specifically.

I feel that Social Justice Warriors are mostly helping to diversify our culture, including our workplace culture, by raising awareness and increasing the need for, at the very least, sensitivity. I feel that this has become such a provocative battleground politically because the issues that Social Justice Warriors speak about and rally around are all issues that we have never spoken about openly in our culture. Never. Change like this is uncomfortable. We must keep talking and sharing, though, it is the only way to #breakthestigma.

I think, at the core, the issue of Social Justice is really about human rights. As a culture, we must decide what constitutes human rights and then mold our policies and laws around those agreed upon human rights. This, of course, is also a hotly disputed arena- I think it is amazing that it is so difficult to agree on what human rights are and that they should be fought for and supported universally!!

What I see happening to our species currently is an evolution from individual pockets of existence separated by geographical barriers to a global existence where we are all united by our humanness. A revolution in thinking from what separates us and makes us different, to what unites us and makes us the same. I feel that as Americans we have a unique opportunity to use our privilege to lead this global revolution toward equality, equanimity, and unification.

How powerful to think that the way you speak to the people around you in your everyday life and the topics that you bring to your interactions can influence our collective existence as humans?!

My instructor wants us to respond to the Dove ad where the black woman turns into a white woman turns into a brown woman. My initial response to the ad was, “oh that is too bad, this would have been a tremendously successful ad if the white woman had turned into the black woman or the brown woman.” There probably would have been some sort of backlash then, too, honestly, maybe surrounding starting the ad with a white woman. I don’t know. It kind of pisses me off that I have to dissect this when I feel like I have better things to think about. But that is part of my own trap, isn’t it?

“JUSTICE WILL NOT BE SERVED UNTIL THOSE WHO ARE UNAFFECTED ARE AS OUTRAGED AS THOSE WHO ARE.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Health care policy and reform- this is what I am doing this AM

As I have said before, this blog is not just about the pain and grief of being a bereaved mother and suicide loss survivor, but it is also about sharing my thoughts on the research that I do as I go through finishing my BSN. I have been a practicing registered nurse since 2006 with an Associate’s Degree in Nursing, but after Oscar died I felt that the only way my voice would truly carry and give strength to my opinions regarding health care reform is if I had a Bachelor’s in Nursing. So, in Oscar’s memory, I started back to school the fall a year after he died and I am on track to finish after fall semester this year. It has been a long, hard road, especially now that I am newly grieving for the loss of Oscar’s dad, my ex-husband, Nick, also to suicide. Here is what all of my research and thought processes keep boiling down to: we need universal health care and a universal electronic medical record. Period, end of story. I wrote the following paper for my Public Health Nursing class this morning and I wanted to share.

 

The recent article I found is, “Rebounding with Medicare: Reform and Counterreform in American Health Policy,” by Paul Starr of Princeton University.  From my research on the topic of universal health care in the United States, it became clear that Mr. Starr has a strong voice on the matter with a history of several articles and books pertaining to the subject of health care reform in America.  Mr. Starr proposes that we have an opportunity to expand Medicare through a program he refers to as “Midlife Medicare” in response to the Trump administration’s recent setbacks on our progress to provide every one of our citizens with basic health care.

My personal experience as a suicide loss survivor and my professional experience as a registered nurse inform my passion for health care reform.  One thing has become clear to me as I grapple with the disabling pain of suicide loss- our health care system is the root cause of our ills.  And how extremely infuriating!  Here we are in one of the world’s richest countries and we cannot afford to provide universal health insurance for our citizens?  Mr. Starr analyzes the history of health care reform in the United States and notes that all important reform has been made on the rebound from the failure of more progressive proposals.  He acknowledges that the Affordable Care Act (ACA) has had very limited success in fulfilling its goal of ensuring all American citizens have health insurance.  The ACA has been a downright failure in some respects.  It has forced the price of premiums up while not guaranteeing basic coverages to patients.  In other words, just because someone is insured doesn’t mean they can afford to get care, which does nothing to solve the problem of health care for all.

The devastation of not having health insurance or not having adequate health insurance is heart breaking.  There are so many stories to illustrate the social injustice that not having universal health care causes.  It seems that each of us has been directly affected or is only one person away from being directly affected.  The implications on nursing of universal health care are tremendous.  I believe that the positive effects of universal health care are all encompassing.  If we had universal health care, as a nurse and mother, I would have been able to get the care my oldest son needed without traumatizing him with mental health hospitalization.  I would have been able to guide my ex-husband to the care he needed so he could have received the care he required for the treatment of Crohn’s disease without worrying how he was going to pay for it.  I believe, deep in my heart and soul, that if I had been able to make those two interventions my family would still be complete.

I have thought a lot about how to help our citizens who die unjustly, and I am not just talking about suicide, I believe that many deaths in our society happen that could be prevented with adequate access to primary health care for prevention.  My thought processes always boil down to two issues: universal health care and a universal electronic medical record.  At the core of these ideas is patient safety.  Patient safety is the heart and soul of nursing.  I appreciate Mr. Starr’s work and am grateful I found him.  His suggestion of “Midlife Medicare” as a rebound reform to our health care system is right on target.  A positive step in exactly the right direction.

 

 

Starr, P. (2018). Rebounding with Medicare: Reform and Counterreform in American Health Policy. Journal of Health Politics, Policy and Law,43(4), 707-730. doi:10.1215/03616878-6527996

 

 

 

 

daily grief

Even though I don’t talk about it as much as I used to, my grief still looms large. I really like the grief model with the idea that you learn to grow around your grief. I resonate with that fully. I feel that at first my grief was my entire existence. Slowly, ever so slowly, I started learning how to allow myself to feel other feelings alongside the grief. Over the past 3 years since Oscar died I have become so much bigger than I ever was before- energetically. I feel like my energetic footprint takes up at least twice as much space as it did before I began to grow around my grief.

Doesn’t change the fact that sometimes, some days, there will be some sort of catalyst event and I am moved straight to tears. My grief swallows my energy and I am in that darkness without. The sucking without-my-beautiful-boy darkness. I love Angela Miller (A bed for my heart) and how she speaks strongly about how, as a bereaved mama, you learn to mother not only your living children, but the ones who have died, as well. I deeply resonate with that truth. Every. day.

Yesterday, at lunch, in the middle of the employee lounge, I am eating my leftover hungry root (just started that meal delivery service and so far it has been an excellent experience- I’ve tried many and this one is my favorite) focused on staying balanced and focused with my Kangaroo totem energy and the green calcite in my pocket along with my doTerra Citrus Bliss mixed with Frankincense aromatherapy and I open Facebook. There is a memory from 6 years ago of my sweet sweet daughter, Vivian, and her pink kitchen. Her pink kitchen was her very favorite toy for about 3 years or so and when we moved from Washington to Kansas it was a very very big deal when it was finally shipped to us. It was about 6 months after she moved down here that she was reunited with it. Of course I took a picture of her with it as soon as it was unpacked! Well, there was a comment from her dad. Grief started rolling in. There was a like on the comment and I clicked to see who liked it. Oscar. The tears just started. Just like that. Thank God my dear friend, Emily, was sitting at the same table. I showed her what was up and she scooted close to me, gave me a big hug and I had a few seconds of sobbing. My grief overwhelmings don’t usually suck as much time out of my day as they used to, but only because I have learned how to breathe through them. I breathe through them, feel them and consciously shield them with my entire self. It has taken a tremendous amount of diligent spirit work to get to where I am in my relationship with my grief.

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Christmas 2018

Christmas sucks.

This is Christmas number four without Oscar and Christmas number one without Nick. There was no way I could bear the thought of being at home today, so a few weeks ago I did what Nick would have liked for me to do: book a room at Great Wolf Lodge. We have an incredible room! We got an upgrade, so I have my own room. So wonderful. I am so grateful to be able to do this for the kids and for me. But this is one of the conundrums of grief: feeling two opposite feelings equally as strongly at the same time. I am grateful for the now, spending this time with my kids and having a break from it all, but the pain of loss is especially poignant right now.

Christmas used to always be proceeded by a sleepless night for me and Nick when the Lane kids were all little. I remember Nick used to say, “Christmas should be a good time for us, we deserve to have one good time a year, Jes.” And so every year we would splurge on the kiddos. So many gifts! The tree would always be bursting and the stockings overflowing with all sorts of fun stuff. We went broke each year a little more at Christmas, but the smiles on the kids’ faces were so worth it. I didn’t know that then. The crushing debt was one of the issues that broke our marriage. There were lots of reasons we were dysfunctional and needed a divorce, don’t get me wrong, but the debt added a level of stress that was smothering.

This year, since Nick died, I have been struggling. Truly. Just to see what his death has done to our kids and to feel that heartbreak and also my own in a world that will. not. give. has been exceptionally exhausting. All of the same levels and types of emotion and pain as when Oscar died, but without any grace. None. The world shrugged it’s shoulders and laughed while saying, “let’s see how you make it through this one.” So many emotions. How do you stay focused on the good in a set of circumstances like that?

Lots of ways. I see Oscar everywhere, and this helps me. Sometimes it is unbelievably sad and painful, but mostly it makes me smile and fills my heart with warmth. I stay connected spiritually by taking care of myself. Aromatherapy every single day if nothing else. It’s funny, I take that shit to work and sometimes I feel like I am pedaling drugs because I offer to share my aromatherapy with co-workers who are stressed out. Lately I have been taking aromatherapy and a crystal of some sort to work. And it helps. Oh does it help.

I have also been working with my shadow self to understand what she needs. First I had to free her (see my starsprae intuitive healing arts blog for more about my day to day healing work). Now I am working with her to help her find her voice again. Lots of years of suppression has not worn well on her. She is wild and free, full of inspiration and amazing life. I have seen glimmers, we are working to make it easy for her to be seen. A morning routine of a tarot reading has been part of my healing process for about a month or so now. I love tarot! It is fun and intuitive and it is helping me stay focused.

The hardest work I have had to do recently is in the area of romantic relationships. I think Nick’s death has influenced this quite a bit if I am completely honest. Since he died I have been mourning the loss of so much- the potential of a healthy father for my older children, the only other parent to Oscar (all of those memories that Nick was the only other person who was apart of!- now I am the only bearer of them), the potential for healing our relationship- I would have liked to be friends with Nick again. The feelings are complicated and deep. It will take quite a long time to get through them. Years and years. All of this has made it harder to tolerate relationships in general, let alone the romantic relationship with my youngest’s father that I have been trying to heal. I gave myself permission to set a healthy boundary with him a couple of weeks ago. I could hear Nick’s voice in my head- “The timing, Jessica, the timing! You always have the worst timing!” Yes, just a couple weeks before Christmas and I set a strong friendship-only boundary. I cannot try for anything else right now. I need space.

Space to remember. Space to be the mother to my children that I feel I need to be. Space to grow my talents as an energy healer. Space to make my own home. Space to spread out. Mostly space to remember. So much remembering lately. I love my psychologist. At our last session she encouraged me with this idea, “You are ready when you are ready.” This applies to so many different things! I am ready to remember. I am ready to let myself go to those spaces. I am ready to stand up for my needs. I am ready to forgive (even though that is going to take me a long time to do completely, Nick!) I am ready to live as who I am.

I cannot believe we have to do Christmas this year without you, Nick. I do wish you were here to spoil the kids and share your jolly Christmas spirit with them. It was the one time of year that you always made into the best for us, for them. I know you tried so so hard.

Oscar, there was a three pound Hershey chocolate bar at Walmart this year! I would have bought it for you if you were still alive, no doubt! I miss you so so much. You would have been on your first winter break from college. I wonder what you would have been studying? You would be here with us. On the pull out sofa. Ready to splash and play and have fun with your brothers and sister. You were always my mother hen. Taking care of everybody. I wish I could have done better teaching you to take care of yourself. I know you are still here with us, I feel you here with me right now, but that doesn’t change how much I miss you.

Christmas sucks as much as it is wonderful when you are a bereaved mama and divorced widow.

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