waking up

My dreams last night were a little strange. I drank a mug of chai tea at like 1900 to boost me through a Reiki treatment and massage that I gave to my new love interest. It was a successful treatment because sleepy time came for him swiftly! I adore providing healing touch to people, especially love interests. I feel like that is my one sort of super power that I have to offer, I just haven’t found the right man to accept my talents and want to make them a permanent part of his life. I have hope for this one. I have hope for all of them, who I am kidding? I try to give my all every time. Well, as much of my all as I have left after having my heart shattered into at least a million pieces.

Anyway, back to my dreams. I ended up home sooner than I thought I would last night and slightly amped on chai tea and the success of my Reiki and massage treatments. So I decided to write in my journal for awhile and then I blogged for the first time in forever and actually published it. I’ve been doing this thing a lot lately where I write but then I get worried about who might read it and that I might shock or hurt feelings or cause political turmoil at work or whatever and I’m over it. Blogging is so helpful for me. So I’m just gonna do it. As I sailed into sleep last night it was one of those into sleep transitions where I felt myself soaring above for a good long while. I was relaxed and ready to sleep, it’s just the chai tea had me more aware than I would be normally. The dreams that I remember were with my new love interest at his home. This is the strange part: there was a dead body in one of the bedrooms, like someone had died that we all expected to die, like they had been on hospice or something, and he hadn’t called the hospice people yet because he wasn’t ready to. He was waiting for someone who wanted to say goodbye privately. And then my mom came into the picture to bathe the body. Why I wasn’t involved in this I have no idea since I am a registered nurse and have bathed my fair share of dead bodies. I did, however, make the suggestion to add clove essential oil to the bath to help with the smell. My love interest and my mom agreed that was a good idea. My love interest even said that was something that used to be done before modern day chemical embalming… whether or not that is true I have no idea… this was a dream!

Analyzing a dream like this is so interesting. Obviously, my subconscious is sifting through some shit. The smell of a dead body. That was the main concern. Not let’s get the person we are waiting for here sooner than later so we can call the hospice people and the funeral home. The smell is a big part of my trauma with Nick’s death. He wasn’t found until days after he died. The neighbors called a wellness check to the local authorities because of the smell coming from his place. My heart absolutely crushes in on itself every time I think about that. This is definitely something I haven’t worked through completely. I just put it in a box and tucked it away. Time to get it out and work it through. I dreamt about Nick the night of September 11, 2018, which was death day number 3 and what we suspect is the day that Nick died that year. He was found on the Sunday after that, which I think was the 16th. He left a note with my name and contact information on it. I hadn’t attempted to get in touch with him for months except through the court because of how he had behaved the last time he had Pierce and Ryan over, which was Father’s Day weekend that year. He had started drinking again and being very emotionally and verbally abusive. Ryan had called me crying because he was so scared. Pierce had taken over Oscar’s old role of attempting to be the mediator between drunk and unreasonably angry Nick and the younger kids, kid in this case. That’s when I decided to take action and file for a safety focused parenting plan. Nick texted me once around the Fourth of July to ask to have the kids, and I texted back that any arrangements to see the kids needed to go through my lawyer. He never took it further. All I ever heard from him again was that he wanted to push the court date out to October so he had more time to find and pay for a lawyer.

My heart really hurts for how completely fractured our relationship became. When we started out together I was so young and he was so experienced (or maybe traumatized?) and pretending (?) to have hope and see the possibility for joy. Nick never really talked about what had happened to him and his family. His brother Jimmy had been murdered and his favorite sister, LouAnn, had died of suicide a number of years after that. Not to mention whatever happened when he was growing up in a too small house for 7 kids and 2 parents who sort of got along, but not really. He used to say the 7 kids came from Catholic guilt and not love. He would make it a joke. He made lots of things jokes. I think that was his main coping mechanism besides drinking and smoking pot. All of his unprocessed and unresolved feelings surrounding the trauma he had been through came out in all sorts of negative and destructive ways. That is what happens to people when they don’t work through to the bottom.

Now I’m working through to the bottom with Nick. His death has been so hard to process. I think because we were estranged when he died, but also because I have such a deep and profound love for him, still. He is around all the time. I feel him more than I feel Oscar. He always has something to say and he is in my dreams all the time! Maybe the dream I had last night is Nick. And the one they are waiting for is me. I haven’t said proper goodbyes. I hold a piece of him in my mind that is when we first met. I was so enamored by his charm and his brilliant mind. I’ve never met a man like Nick. It was so easy for us to fall in love. Looking back on old pictures on Oscar’s birthday I realized how hard we tried. I’m not sure what went wrong. I guess the active addiction is really what came between us. Neither one of us could relate to the other because we were never in our right minds if we could help it. I remember how he used to hold my hand. And the way that he would look at me. His goofy grin. And the sex was great. We had an excellent time in bed. It’s honestly one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. It was really hard to let that go. And to learn to live without it has been so tough!!

Nick would make xmess a fun and joyful holiday. He’d always make it special. I don’t have that kind of talent or desire since my people have died. This year my mom and Ryan decorated together, thank God. I genuinely hate all of it. It takes so much emotional energy. I feel like I dip into my already drained reserve tanks every year since Oscar died and especially so since Nick has died.

What am I to do with this dream? I don’t want Nick to go. Maybe it is time, though, whether I want it to be or not. I have to let go to let a new man in. It’s that simple. Simple; not easy.

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