changes

okay, so it is cliche, but we can all agree that the one constant in life is change, yes?

the changes that have been happening to me because of the changes that were manifested (through lots of prayer and conversation with god) and then acted upon, in regards to my career, are changing me in ways that were not fully thought out. i mean, how can you really think through something entirely that hasn’t happened to you yet? some of the changes are very welcome- i feel myself resonating, vibrating, with a much slower, and relaxed energy. the difference between two minutes being too long to wait for something a patient needs and two hours being a fast turnaround for a request. the difference between having to clock in and clock out and being salaried. the difference between chest compressions and a caring conversation.

sure, there are lots of reasons that my new gig is challenging: politics, learning the tactics needed to move a large bureaucracy toward the changes it says it wants, but that all actions suggest otherwise, the inefficiencies of a clinic workflow that have gone unchecked for years. not to mention adding a new specialty area to my repertoire.

and it would be a lie if i said i didn’t miss the OR.

but this new work that i am being called to do, the new spotlight on the areas of my self, of my soul, of the way i walk through the world, it is intense. i feel directed to lean in and do some hard work on how i interact with my environment. to look at the root cause of my impatience, to explore the deepest, darkest parts of my personality and draw those places into the light.

to surrender to the imperfection, acknowledge it, and love it anyway.

and, i think my very favorite consequence of my new job is that i am really sleeping again, dreaming again. when oscar died my sleep left. don’t get me wrong, i still slept “well” because i’ve always been a strong sleeper, but i didn’t dream and explore as much in my sleep as i did before he died. that has been my very favorite change. and one i think comes from my heart being satisfied that i am on the right path.

like my nurse navigator mentor told me yesterday, “you have the heart of a navigator”. that resonates so deeply with me; i feel that. ultimately, it will be my heart that keeps me pushing forward on this new path. and, truly, i would not have the relationship i have now with my heart if i hadn’t spent the last year of my OR career working in open hearts. beyond grateful for my experience in the CVOR.

so, i choose to keep rolling with the changes. learning from life. open to the challenge. baby steps.

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