today is my birthday

September 11th came and went. The five year milestone has come and gone.

And now the next biggie day during full on grief season: my birthday. This day has been absolutely miserable for me since Oscar died. It just has. There is so much there and I think the main point is how can I still be here and he is dead? Out of order death, especially from suicide, is one of the hardest to bear. For whatever reason the reality and truth of Oscar’s death is especially stark on my birthday.

I have realized since the 5 year milestone that I am ready to start talking more about other things in my life and not focus so much, completely, entirely on my grief and how it has changed everything.

And this morning, miraculously, I woke up feeling grateful. My heart was full. I have an amazing family (my kids are beyond incredible), I have super supportive parents who only want to see me doing the best I can (whatever the best I can is), I have an amazing career, I have a beautiful home, a new car, I have a vibrant dating life, I have a truly fabulous support system of friends and colleagues, the list goes on and on. I love the path that I am on. I am grateful for my journey.

I am grateful I have been doing the work with consistency to stay healthy in my body and mind leading up to this grief season. I have been very focused on exercise, writing, eating well, and sharing in everyday conversation when I have the energy to share. Another fabulous healing modality that I have utilized with regularity leading up to and into this grief season is massage. The energy work that I have been doing has been on a deeper level than I have ever been. And, man, it has been so enlightening!

September 12th I realized exactly what I want to do with my career. I want to work part time in the OR and work part time in private practice as an Integrative Health Practitioner. I am in the process of applying to a graduate program through Drexel University online that would have me beginning my Master’s of Science in Complementary and Integrative Health the Fall of 2021.

Since I had this realization, it is like I have felt a great sigh of relief from the universe. I feel my path aligning for my higher purpose; my ultimate opportunity to give back to the community.

42 isn’t looking too bad.

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