let’s get into it

For real I keep dreaming about Nick. I really don’t understand it. I know there is a lot that I still need to process about our abusive marriage and it is a lot different working through it while he is dead, but seriously, what gives? My psychologist and I spoke about it a few weeks ago. I told her that I keep dreaming about him and I know I need to work through some of the roughness between us, so she suggested that I write about it. She suggested I write him a letter, which is so cliche, but it is a very common tool when you are working through problems that you have with dead people, I have discovered on my grief journey. Kind of funny, right? But, hey, it must work, or it wouldn’t be a cliche. I know after Oscar died I wrote a letter to him almost immediately. I was so distraught and raw. Just raw. Nothing felt like I thought it would. After Oscar died it was like my feelings got turned inside out. Completely strange how deep grief changes you. Anyway, back to Nick. I keep dreaming about him. I dreamt a lot about him when he first died. I actually dreamt that he died before I knew he was dead. That was weird. And we’ve had other dream time sessions, too. We made quite a bit of progress, actually, but now I feel like we are stuck. So after my psychologist recommended that I write to him, I actually started just writing about what happened between us. A historical account. It is funny because during my session when my doc and I talked about this I immediately said, “Oh, it could be the start of my memoir!” Goes to show you how I am always trying to make something out of nothing. She brought me back to reality by reminding me that I just needed to let it flow. After that first (and only) time I have written about my life then I was so exhausted!

And I keep dreaming the same sort of dream. We are together, even though we shouldn’t be, and he is his happy-go-lucky-I-want-to-have-fun-and-get-laid self. Nick loved sex. It was one of the things that kept us together for so incredibly long even though the abuse and dysfunction was so uncomfortable. It isn’t like we did too much that was wild and crazy, we just had a routine that worked for both of us that we would always fall into. And when we first met it was like fireworks between us. Our chemistry was like no chemistry I have ever felt before or since. That is what I though was love between us. We didn’t really know how to love. On my journey following Jesus (this is sort of new- it has been a push pull my entire life, it is just that about three months ago I finally really committed to Him) I have learned that love is so much more than a feeling. It is an action. A choice that you make to accept someone despite all of their faults and do positive things for them. Nick and I had trouble with that. And he would sometimes seemingly flaunt his faults. Looking back with what I know now and my own experience with grief and how incredible hard it is for me to maintain my okay with a lot a lot of self-care I can see how grief shaped Nick into the reluctant-to-change addict that he was. He used to tell me that the deaths of his brother and sister felt like emotional amputations. I was so cruel. I would tell him he needed to make a choice to move on and get healthy. That is so easy for someone who had never been bereaved to say. I have learned through my own grief that you never really move on. There is always a piece of you that is in the moment that someone you love dies. You are changed irrevocably forever. For the duration. Never the same.

In my dream that is the same, yet slightly different every time, Nick and I are together and we shouldn’t be and we are hiding out from our families trying to have sex. There is always some reason that we need to hide. In the dream I am always adamant that no one see us or know that we are together and he isn’t really worried about it at all. He is so focused on taking my mind off of being worried so I can relax and let him have his way. Our marriage and our home life was a lot like that. We hid our drug use from a lot of people. I wanted to quit from the time that we got pregnant with Oscar in 1999, but he plain told me that he would never stop using, that it was a deep part of who he was and how he managed to deal with the trauma that he had packed away. What would have been more accurate would have been for him to say that his using kept him from having to deal with the trauma that he had packed away. He stuffed it deep down and avoided it for as long as I knew him. It was so rare for him to talk about Jimmy or LouAnn. He was always passing me a beer or a pipe and telling me to relax.

That was what I needed to see. In my dreams Nick is trying to get me to relax so he can have his way. There is something he wants to show me. And here I thought that he was the one not letting me get through to him. I wonder if the next time I dream about him if I can let myself go back to the Jes who would let Nick completely dominate her? That is a scary thought. Makes me want to run. If I can just sort of allow myself to go down that path enough with him I wonder if we can get to the deeper level we need to get to in order to sort through some more of the rough between us?

Working through issues with dead people is hard.

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