like a flower blooming in the dark

For the first time in a long long time I had a really good day yesterday. This is a milestone worth noting for many many reasons. In grief, this kind of grief that never goes away, when you have a day that you are smiling and happy and feel loved and free it is a big big deal.

My world changed, yet again, this year on April 27th. The pain of staying the same became greater than the pain of changing, and so I set in motion a change that has been a long time coming- 19 months in the making to be exact. My life since April 27th has been a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. There has been a lot of apprehension and anxiety, but there has also been an increasing amount of solace and peace. I have returned to a time of vacillating moments of acute stress when all I can do is remember to breathe and distraction with the amount of work I have to do in my household to get our mojo back. This reminds me so much of how I felt right after Oscar died- having moments where all I can do is remember to breathe and then having moments when I am fully absorbed in the distraction of making my house my home again.

So yesterday for the first time in a long long time I had a really good day. All of my kids are home with their mama this weekend (there is no greater comfort to me than to have them all here with me- and I include Oscar’s ashes in that equation) and I took my youngest son for a 3 mile interval jog in our fantastic jogging stroller that hasn’t gotten nearly enough use yet. I couldn’t stop smiling. I love my home, I love where I live, I love my neighbors, I love the trail that is so well-maintained and is within a stone’s throw from my front door. The feeling I get on the trail is always wonderful, but yesterday was exceptional. I felt Oscar’s angel wings at my back. My baby boy in his stroller cooing, calling out and kicking his little legs in excitement to feel the wind and smell all the nature smells that we smell next to the creek. It was so good to see my neighbors also on the trail- all of us with the same intention- to treat our bodies with love and respect and be healthy!

I have learned a lot from Oscar’s life and his death. I have learned how important consistency is for children, especially children with a family history of mental illness. And I have learned how important it is to soak up the good feelings and the good times when they happen. Like sun on your skin. And the smell of spring. Allowing yourself to soak up the good times when you are always and forever grieving is like a flower blooming in the dark.

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