stumbled upon this poem, the first poem after, written on 8/5/16

here i am

blasted

millions of moments away from

you

how my life

our lives

changed that day

it has been almost one year

since you died

and this is the first time

i’ve been able to

put my pen on paper

in this poetry way

and write about it

sure

i’ve blogged here and there

online

but pen to paper is different

it is so real

how could i lose you?

my son, my prince, my friend

nothing will ever be

okay

again

nothing

and that passes all reason for

people

regular people

who haven’t lost like we

suicide survivors have

the deepest darkest place

belongs to us

because the ones we loved

were also the killers

the murderers

who obliterated the ones

we loved

and their deaths

leave black holes

massive black holes

that swallow

our entire lives

i am so different now

so in tune with the moment

because if i live anywhere

but there

the pain is too great

and i cannot bear it

this is the conversation

no one wants to have

yet i have it

every

single

day

my bones ache to the marrow

for you

your laugh, your smirk,

your big beautiful eyes

your smell, your hair,

your sassafras

there is not a moment in

the day that i do not

think about you

that my heart doesn’t

yearn for you

no pain

can compare to this

my heart, my soul, my boy

my first born son

Oscar

i love you

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