My name is Jessica Lane, but everybody calls me Jes.  I am a mother, a recovering addict, an operating room nurse and a bereaved mother.  My oldest son, Oscar, died of pediatric suicide when he was 15 years old.  I found his lifeless body the morning of September 11, 2015.  It was a Friday.  The Friday that changed everything.  Time is not the same for me anymore.  Life is not the same.  Neither is death.

Shortly after Oscar died it became very very clear to me that suicide is not a choice. Suicide is a disease process that we don’t understand.  Oscar’s death motivates me to understand and educate others about what I learn related to suicide, death, grief, and mental health.

Since Oscar died I have been researching suicide.  At first I could only look at grief support groups for suicide loss.  The Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors was my first home after Oscar died.  I have participated in local suicide grief support groups.  I have returned to school to finish my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing.  All of my research projects are through the lens of suicide loss.  One of my favorite grief activities was participating in Megan Devine’s writing course this past spring.  She inspires me in so many different ways.

Nothing was ever easy about Oscar.  He was always challenging, he questioned everything.  He was gifted and he had transitional disorder.  He was diagnosed as depressed at the beginning of May the year that he died.  His first words were, “why” and “wow”.  He was always manipulating his world, building with Legos, building model aircraft online, folding paper into origami or airplanes, and he was a puzzle master.  He had an incredible spatial awareness and relationship with his environment that was genius.  His depression was existential and was refractory to standard treatment: medication and talk therapy.

I will write when I can and share my research regularly.  In fact, I will be posting my final paper for my nutrition class shortly titled “Depression and Suicide as Chronic Inflammatory Disease Processes”.

This blog is for the love of Oscar and all kids like him; dead too soon of a disease that is not understood.


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